Impossibly Positive

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Hot & Cold

If you'd have asked me this morning, I would have said that my husband (let's call him Nos) and I were fairly happy. I mean, there is definitely stuff we're still working out. After all, we've only known each other for just over a year, and we've gone through a pregnancy and had a baby already. In a broad, overarching category, I'd say that the main issue is that he's still playing like he's a bachelor. He's never home when he says he will be, and then when I react with anger, somehow it's my fault. And that's not even including my ire at the drinking and *ahem* other extracirricular activities he may be engaging in.

Ezza: "Hi, just wondering when you'll be home."

Nos: "Well, I'm just helping [insert random friend] in his project to [insert random man-project verb here, ie. weld, install, paint] and I'll be home at [insert fairly reasonable hour.]"

Now this, I can live with... Never mind that he usually goes straight from work to said project, and doesn't even let me know. Sometimes the man gets off work at 3pm, and here I am, waiting until 7 to call him thinking he's working late, when really, he's drinking with the boys. And I've been sitting at home. With a baby. Who demands to be held all the time. Hence, I smell bad because I haven't showered, and I'm desperately hungry. This combination equals very cranky Ezza.

Ezza: "So... what's the plan?"

Nos: "Oh, well, we didn't have the tools we needed, so we went all over town trying to find them, and then we decided to make our project 10x bigger than it had to be, and then I decided to take my [insert moving vehicle] apart."

Ezza: "Um... "I'd kinda like a shower, and I'm going nuts from being with the kiddo by myself all day."

Nos: "Then take a shower."

Ezza: "The baby's been awake all day."

Nos: "Just let her cry."

Ezza: "I can't do that! So, um, when are you going to be home?"

And so on... Generally, by the time we're done with this run-around, it's 9 or 10pm, and he'll come home a bit buzzed, ask what's for dinner, and then get mad that when the baby finally does go to sleep, I don't want to put out.
Dude, I just want a shower and a meal and a nap at that point, and a roll in the hay just doesn't sound like fun, especially because I'm pissed off. So then he's pissed off, and pulls out (heh!) the "You don't love me" card. This cycle just causes resentment on my part and makes sex feel like a chore, which means I don't want to do it again later, when a valid opportunity does present itself.
I've explained to him several times why I'm frustrated when he doesn't at least let me know what he's doing or come home on time, and his answer to my irritation is that I should have called and just told him to come home. Um, hello? I am not his mother. Really, should I need to tell him it's past his bedtime?
So I've continually been getting just a teeny bit unhappier every day that I sit in the house alone, and when I finally have engaged in a melt down, he buys me flowers and a nice card and tells me he loves me. And then he does the same darn thing that he's always done just a day or two later. *sigh*
Let me illustrate another confusing turn of events.

Text message (note the man can't spell)
9:20 am
I love you so much thanks for being here for me and tring to make me a better person. kiss kiss

Keep in mind my phone was in the car, so I didn''t see this message until much later on. I talked to him on the phone at around 10am, to tell him about the bbq we're invited to this weekend. I knew that his brother wanted to do something for his birthday the same night, so wanted to check the timing. Nos thinks my mother (who is graciously providing daycare on Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday of every week since I came back to work yesterday) will babysit the baby overnight Saturday.


My mother was just out of town for two weeks settling the estate of my recently deceased step-grandmother, so besides being stressed out and adjusting to being a daycare, she hasn't had time to do any work of her own. Nos got all quiet and cranky at this news, and quickly ended our conversation.

Text message (again with the spelling!)
I'm not sure what we're doing wrong but ezza i think were heading towards devorce. what do you think?

I'm at a loss. I really don't feel like he's changed his life around at all, and that I've made all the sacrifices here. My friends are all gone since I'm not partying anymore, and he's living life like he always has. He acts like it's a big hassle when I need him to help with the baby, and I don't feel like I can leave her alone with him, since he'll leave her to cry in her crib while he goes out to the garage to have a cigarette. Don't get me started on the cigarettes.

You know, I didn't realize how mad I really am about this stuff until I wrote it down. Now how do I fix it?


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